Sunday, 20 September 2009

The Big Game

Now that the ironing's done (accompanied by an almost perfectly timed playlist of Major Lazer on Spotify - thanks to Graham Linehan and Mike Skinner) I thought I'd have a crack at live blogging the big game (even though I won't publish till after the game finishes) So it's 5 Live, a bottle of Waitrose vintage English cider, and updates as we go through the afternoon.

Six or seven minutes to kick-off, Lawro and Greenie positioned in the stands at the Sty, a beautiful day with the breeze blowing through the open window. Hearing that the A5 is closed at Chirk Bank. Team news: Rio is in - is he fully fit? Tevez is in, and the same question applies. Despite the countless millions, we're still stuck with Bellamy leading the line. I have my fears. As long as Rooney is playing, there's danger, and you always have to watch out for Berbatov.

00:00 And... here we go. Bridge is a tosser, as I've always said.

01:00 GOAL. 1-0 United. And what was I saying about Rooney? Fucking shit! Early days. Early days. Settle down lads, FFS.

06:00 Fletcharr!

10:00 In addition to Bridge, I (and many others of course) have serious misgivings about Lescott. We're set up as a defensive team by the master tactician Sparky but half of our defenders are shite. Wank!

12:00 Our first attack. Comes to nothing. Desperately need to settle.

15:00 Foul by Giggs. Let's continue to see the settling please. Amazing how often Bridge has been on the ball so far.

16:00 Tevez. H'm. Heard on Twitter that some daft Rag named her kid after him and then he was sold to us! Apart from not knowing that he was on the way, why on earth would you name a child Tevez?

18:00 GOAL. 1-1! Tevez rules (although Barry scored)!! United are shit!!! Come on City!!!! We are not, we're not really here.

21:00 Rinky-dink ball? What's that supposed to mean, Lawro?

22:00 Changeover at 5Live. Greenie's off for his cuppa and Mike Ingham is on. De Jong seems a bit better this season and Evra is (although I hate band wagons) a bastard.

25:00 Sparky's shaking his fist. Getting a bit aereated.

26:00 Yellow for Carlos. Headlines of course always follow players, and the themes of diving and malice are really setting the tone for the season. In my mini predictions league, I forecast 1-1 for this game, which would give me 6 points if it were to remain as it is, and stretch my lead at the top by a large margin. I of course do not wish for that to happen.

30:00 Free kick City. Straight into the wall, ends up in another free kick... Comes to nought, but this is good pressure. Watch the break, boys.

32:00 Rooney again. City defensive frailties exposed. Given is the man, sure he is.

35:00 Game spicing up a bit? If it does, I think it will be in our favour. Anderson in the Tony, along with Carlos.

37:00 Free kick Rags. Into Row K. Concentration must be maintained. Total concentration!

40:00 Lawro: 'It's been a half of two halves...' God give me strength. Good to hear the City fans giving it a bit: 'Time for your sandwiches.'

41:00 Another yellow for the Rags. Hauptmann Vidic (I'm convinced he would have joined the German army, given the choice) goes into the Tony.

43:00 Carlos grazes the post. Fucking hell! Nearly knocked me off my perch there. Two minutes of added time to play. Cider's finished and Doyle's scored at Molyneux.

45:00 +2 Lescott skies it after a half-chance, but have to agree with Lawro as the whistle blows that we've done this half overall. Come on City! BTW, who's this Colin twat anchoring the show? Back in 15 mins, after my pie.

47:00 Here we go again. Free kick Rags. Into the wall. Scrappy Doo goes with rinky-dink, I suppose.

48:00 GOAL. 2-1 United. More shitty defending. Fletcharr. Bollocks.

49:00 Lescott screws up again, and Park Ji-Sung, or Ji-Sung Park, whacks it high and mighty. City under the cosh here, and Giggs should have scored again. Come on, you fuckers.

50:00 GOAL. Jesus Christ! Bellamy bangs one in. I always loved the Welsh git, I really did. That of course is the end of my 6 points, but if it stays like this, I'm still on for 1. Everyone else in the league predicted a Rag win, so fuck them!

54:00 Another card - 2-2. Bellamy's in the Tony now. For a change. I will not hear a word against the man. Will not! Do you hear me?

57:00 More Rooney results in a Rag corner. Somebody has to do something about the Scouse twat. Thank god that Evra made a mess of that.

59:00 SUBSTITUTION. Park off, Valencia on, and according to the sages on 5Live, City have switched to a 4-4-2, with Bellamy in the middle. No comment.

65:00 Berba, who didn't listen to his exorcist uncle, should have scored there. These are tense moments and the Rags have us on the rack.

67:00 Great save from Given. Sort it out Sparky. You're useless!

68:00 Giggs almost sticks it in, but Given tips it over. This can't be sustained.

70:00 Into the last 20 minutes, and you've got to love 5Live for going to the cricket, only to be met with an interminable 10 seconds of almost total silence before an update that seems to mean England might win.

73:00 Why not put Bellamy back on the wing? Tevez is knackered. Let's hope Owen comes on for Rooney. Oo-er, the Bhoys are losing.

77:00 Free kick City... Not worth waiting for. And Owen's on for Berba. I will say no more.

80:00 Free kick Rags... Petrov warming up, must be for Tevez.

81:00 GOAL. Fucking Fletcharr!!!! I feel bad about this now.

83:00 SUBSTITUTION. De Jong? That is a bad decision. Petrov is our very own Michael Owen.

86:00 Grinding on. Looking grim.

88:00 City corner. SWP is an infuriating little twat. And it's a goal kick. Sigh...

90:00 GOAL!!! Bellamy. What a hero. What a game. Who cares about Wolves? We are City!

90:00 +2 Into added time - 4 minutes of it - and a corner to the bastard Rags. Mike Ingham is doing his best to jinx the game like the closet rag he is, and they cut to the Toffees. Blow up, ref, FFS!

95:00 Free kick. Already played the added time. Is Old Trafford in a different fucking dimension or something?



Kim Il-Song said...

A smart question! Does, indeed, The Old Trifford make its own Time and Relative Dimensions in Space? Or Does it just, with no-one overlooking, move about at night looking for Jeanette Scott? I wouldn't blame it if it did ! For she is very pretty.
But, of yesterday once more: After the overtime was up Mr Huge just did ineffectual jig on touching-line. Oh! Steve Reeves would have ripped off one of Fanny Lee's arms and hit the Judge with it. Then, with backup of Neil Young and Emlyn Hughes he would give everyone who deserve whatfor some whatfor.
But, fretting will make you only like a dog. So remember: when all said done, you know we are going to world soccer. WORLD SOCCER!

EP said...

So who won? :-|

q t mcwhiskers said...

The result of this match will never be known because the entire ground shifted across the multi-dimensional plane and the human players were transmogrified into immortal centaur like beings, engaged in an endless game of galactic Twister. At exactly the same moment, anti-players were created in the locus where Old Trafford used to be. One of them was anti-Michael Owen, whose anti-goal produced the non-result we all saw.