Wednesday 21 April 2010

Hooers



"Football and prostitutes," said Sunny, "You can't trust them." I can't speak for her experience of the latter, but I do know that her knowledge of the former is... sketchy, to say the least. My own life exposure (I swear) in regard to toms has not gone beyond gawping at shop windows in Amsterdam and (once) donating a half finished kebab (and that is not a euphemism) to a lady of the night as I sat swaying in a shop doorway after a particularly excessive Friday night.

Still - informed or not - it's certainly an interesting maxim, I'm sure you will agree. I think it attempts to sum up the doomed and futile quest for love by a desperate sad and lonely man when he visits a prossie, even though he knows and she knows that for her it's nothing more than a means of getting the next rock and can of White Ace, and that for him when he goes home (wife or not) he will feel only wretched self-loathing and be even more isolated than he was before. So much for that then.

If Man City is my whore, then something's wrong, because I'm the one getting fucked.

70 comments:

String said...

Tch! I do have some new songs you know! And not all of them about prostitutes either!

s martin said...

Well I think Roxanne is the only fucking decent song you ever did.

String said...

I am a member of The Snogwriters Hall of Fame I'll have you know. How many halls of fame are YOU in Mr Martin? I mean as a member, not just walking through with a lolly-ice.

g martin said...

Don't you DARE slag off my brother like that. He inspired She's Leaving Home I'll have you know. Hall of fame indeed.

p anderson said...

I like the police

Mike LOve said...

Can I just take this opportunity to announce my new one-man show: 'I have a certain amount of blubber.' Tix available NOW!

Mike LOve's physchitrist said...

Please don't pay any attention to my client. He, in fact, recently went on a shopping expedition by himself. He managed to purchase a single loafer, hence his 'one-man shoe'.

Victoria N Principal said...

Did your client buy a lazy person?

p c ruck said...

He bought one got one free

G Soros said...

Yes, I bought one and he came with a free stout yoeman!

Singer/snogwriter Paul Simone said...

I'm in a hall of fame!

Paul Simone's Physchitrist. said...

Sorry everybody, my client Mr Simone is in fact texting his message from the famous main hall of Versailles. Please ignore him.

Paul Simone's Physchitrist's Physchitrist said...

Pay no attention to the man referring to himself as 'Paul Simone's Physchitrist'. There is no Paul Simone and he is not in France. The text from Paul Simone was in fact sent by my confused client.

Snigger/Snogwriter Col Kernel said...

Hey y'all! I'm due to be inducted into my hall, by my wife, in about 5 minutes!

General M. Otors said...

I'm sorry everyone, Mr Kernel is, in fact, Colonel Kernel and he is NOT a snigger/snogwriter. Although he IS the biggest nut in the army!

h l hoolahan said...

I like nothing better than a good snig snog around the joanna

Private Parts said...

Is Major Hoolahan interested in forming a gele culb to snig snogs around the camfpire?

Kim Il-sung said...

Opportunity knocks to inform people of the massive Amon Duul-ness of the first half of Arse-anal vs Mancaster City.

Michael said...

The second half wasn't much better, Dear Leader.

Anonymous said...

WEST HAM FOREVER http://www.freewebs.com/athens-hammers/

Professor Stephen Hawking said...

Does the previous commentator REALLY expect West Ham to last "forever"? In five billion years time the Sun will enter its Red Giant phase and the very atmosphere itself will boil away. There will be no more bubbles, of any kind, to blow.
Just think about it!

Thomas Gold and Hermann Bondi said...

Ignore that jerk. The Steady State theory of the Universe would allow for an entity known as 'West Ham' to effectively last forever in the same repeating state. You may have felt its effects this season.

Kevin Bacon said...

Exactly how much ham is there out West?

Thomas Gold said...

Excuse me, but are you made entirely from Bacon?

Kevin Bacon said...

C'mon man! Are you made entirely from gold?

Thomas Gold said...

Actually, yes. Yes I am.

a scientist said...

Surely you must have left a small patch at the small of the back to allow the skin to breathe?

A real scientist said...

Actually, the skin does not breathe. Ian Fleming made it up. However, having said this, I think the prospect of Mr Gold actually being made entirely of gold remains remote.

j masterson (jr) said...

Actually, you're wrong. Have you ever tried covering yourself in gold Dulux under the heat of those lights? It was the death of me. Eventually

Auric Goldfinger said...

Actually, you're both wrong. It was Lothar Mattheus!

Auric Goldfinger said...

Actually, I made a mistake there, but you're still both wrong. If Mr Gold were made entirely of gold then I would be forced to steal him, as I love only gold.

Ms Shirley Bassey said...

HE LOVES ONLY GOLD!

Ms Shirley Bassey said...

GOLD!

s ballet said...

Did somebody say GOLD?

a grant said...

Did somebody say prostitutes?

Snigger/snogwriter Paul Simone said...

That's funny, because my latest 45 is called: "Scientists are prostitutes." It's out now on A and M recordings.

Paul Simone's Physchitrist said...

NO IT'S NOT! It's on K-tel.

Paul Simone's Physchitrist's Physchitrist said...

Although there is a new single by Paul Simone in the shops, it is a hoax. Please, don't assume it is the effort of a respected and professional snigger. It is the issue of an amateur snogwriter who masquerades as a physchitrist.

Cat R said...

IM haave a neu ssingerul outt!!IIt iss: " Do Shoes have souls?"

Cat R's Physchitrist said...

Do not listen to this cat. He doesn't have a single out.

r waters said...

He's gotta get a sniggle out. He owes it to the people.

J Saville said...

Now then, now then, how's about I call you Doctor Cheese? Goodness gracious, can you lovely ladies and gents tell me the name of Cat R's first sniggle that came out way back in 1972?

Goat E said...

Was it: "Grosser Jack"?

Donkey Hotay said...

What pablum was the sniggle on?

Ali Gator said...

Wasn't it from 'Acquiring the taste'?

Thomas Gold said...

Surely that was the second album by Gentle Giant?

A Gentle Giant said...

Pardon?

Thomas Gold said...

I said, wasn't that Gentle Giant?

A Gentle Giant said...

Who, me?

Thomas Gold said...

Well, you certainly live in a steady state don't you?

a narhy said...

Wot a state.

A man from 1972 said...

WHAT YEAR IS THIS?

a stewart said...

It's the Year of the Cat of course

Cat R said...

Mwhhh!!! IM knw it!! HAA!

Cat R's Physchitrist said...

Oh Christ. Look, my job is hard enough as is, without old sniggers contributing to my patient's delusion of grandeur!

b panther said...

Who you calling a snigger?

A backing snigger said...

Shut your mouth!

The Black Moses of Soul said...

Who`s the white private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks?

Frank Cannon said...

Cannon!

Frank Cannon's Physchitrist said...

Please don't etc etc

Chair of U.S. Physchitrist Union said...

Why do your correspondents insist on spelling 'Physchitrist' as 'Physchitrist'? I don't believe these people are really professional Physchitrists.

Table of U.S. Physchitrist Union said...

Please pay no attention to that chair.

Cat R's Physchitrist said...

Oh Nooooooooooooo! I TOLD you about feeding his delusion of grandeur, didn't I? He's only gone and bloody well bid for the 2018 World Cup hasn't he!

Lord Triesman said...

Ooooooh! I bet he tried to bribe them didn't he?

Cat R's Physchitrist said...

Well, he dropped a dead mouse into Sepp Blatter's cafe au lait as part of his bid presentation.

Cat R said...

Myah! DDishlicious!

Pierre Pincea' velo said...

Mais c'est R I D I C U L E !
It is not possible that a chat can talk in such a fashion! We all know thanks to magnificent APES SAGA that only primates are possible to be speaking and interacting with assorted the dignitaries!

s o'sure said...

We know nothing. Least of all that a table exists at all. It may well be a tiger. Or an elephant.

Table of U.S. Physcitrist's Union said...

Look, Mr O'sure, let's have a sit-down and talk about this.

Didier Drogba said...

I am an Elephant.