Saturday 21 June 2008

In Gear

So, just in time for the end of oil, I have at last joined the driving classes. Yesterday was a very fraught one as I waited for the time to tick down to 3 o'clock and the start of my second test. I performed terribly, I thought, stalling the car 3 times and even trying to move off in 2nd gear, so that the examiner had to remind me to change down! I felt that I had done much worse than on the first attempt, was incredibly nervous and convinced that I would fail. But, the examiner uttered the following words as we pulled into the test centre:

"Alan. That's a pass."

My response?

"Are you serious?"

Thankfully he was, and he handed me the necessary paperwork and took away my provisional licence. It was actually the same examiner who tested me the first time, and he went through the same 'relaxation' routine again, asking me what I did for a living. Maybe it was because I told him I worked for the government as opposed to Channel 4, which disposed him more kindly towards me. Or maybe it was because there were several lunatics on the test course and I successfully managed to avoid death or serious injury. Without a word of a lie, as I waited at a junction in one of the quieter back streets of Wood Green, a vehicle passed that was clocking easily 50, maybe even 60, miles an hour. Who knows? In any case, the parts of the test I was worried about all went smoothly - most notably the reverse parking - and those I had no concerns about - such as hill starts - went badly wrong.

After it was all over, I felt as if I had been put through the wringer and had all of the emotional energy squeezed out of me. But for now, pending some insurance shenanigans, I can get behind the wheel and contribute to the great carbon emission competition.

30 comments:

English Marie said...

no more pince à vélo for you then?

Myeral said...

I won't be trading them in for a while yet, don't worry about that

Anonymous said...

A lot of problems would be solved if they just gave subsidies to people who ride donkeys.

Anonymous said...

Huuumphry Littleton! What you should do is introduce some kind of test for people who want to drive donkeys. Just because I have ears like errant wings doesn't mean that they can be just grabbed hold of when the road gets a bit bumpy.

Anonymous said...

A lot more problems would be solved if they gave donkeys to people who ride subsidies.

Anonymous said...

Ahem. Even more problems would be solved if you gave subsidies to donkeys.

Anonymous said...

Would any problems be solved if you just gave donkeys to everybody? Everybody in the world?

Anonymous said...

Donkeys for all!

Anonymous said...

What if you held a giant fete offering donkeys to all in the global village and nobody came?

Anonymous said...

What if you offered giants ?

Anonymous said...

What if those giants held the fate of all donkeys in their hands?

Anonymous said...

What if Hans Christian Anderson had a giant donkey?

Anonymous said...

He did.

Anonymous said...

Did you know that there is a gentleman I know whose name is Danny French?

Anonymous said...

could i have a mule instead?

Anonymous said...

What if everyone had a dick like a giant donkey?

Anonymous said...

What if all keys were shaped like Don's dick?

Anonymous said...

What if Richard Keyes' keys were all shaped like Philip K. Dick's donkey's dick's key?

Anonymous said...

What's a dick key?

Anonymous said...

Philip K. Dick famously had his donkey wear a chastity belt.

Anonymous said...

In answer to Busty Din's question: It would mean that Richard Keyes could have sex with Philip K. Dick's donkey any time he liked.

Anonymous said...

In regard to Jeremy's iron's answer to Busty Din's question: It would also mean that Richard Keyes would no longer be able to start his car or enter his own home.

Anonymous said...

In regard to Kordion Gnot's regard to Jeremy's Iron's answer to Busty Din's question: Richard Keyes would still be able to enter his home if he lived inside Philip K. Dick's donkey's chastity belt.

Anonymous said...

In answer to money b's question. Me

Anonymous said...

He's got Dickie Davies thighs.

Anonymous said...

'Historically significant' is a bit of a stretch for that photo isn't it?

Anonymous said...

Hysterically, I sign if I can't.

Anonymous said...

28! A record.

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Myeral said...

Cheers Mike. Like the look of yours, will take a detailed look soon as I get a chance.