The latest in a recent line of screw-ups at work, and I feel really bad about it. The incident was not directly of my making, but we all know about accountability don't we? As well, in reality, I am responsible for service delivery here (god help me!) so it does come down to me in the end I suppose. I'm not the kind of person either to try to deflect blame. I don't want to make out that I'm some kind of big man, but it seems to me that if I'm in charge I should carry the can. I've had far too much experience of my own bosses teflonning their shoulders in any case, and I'm determined not to repeat that behaviour.
I wonder if, had I a more forceful management style, whether the mishaps that have happened could have been avoided? Anyone who knows me will verify that aggression is not my modus vivendi, and I also happen to think that good leadership doesn't come from screaming at people. Those below you may jump, but it's far more likely to be because of fear than respect, and I know from bitter experience that the feelings of resentment caused by autocratic management can only simmer over a gentle heat until they suddenly explode. So I try to treat those who report to me with respect, to trust them to deliver what is expected of them. I have been fortunate enough to have had sessions with a 'life coach' over the past few years and he has reinforced these views in me. Hell, I know that people take the piss sometimes - we all do - by sneaking an extra hour here and there, or staring at Facebook, but on the whole I like to think that people do their jobs with pride, and that they follow me because they want to.
In all honesty though, I'm probably too lackadaisical to be a true leader. I don't think I project enough of an air that I actually give a shit and I don't believe I have yet developed the necessary confidence in dealing with people to carry it off. There are days when this realisation bears down on me and I feel certain that my management are convinced that I'm not the man for the job. Today has been one of those days, and, try as I can to remember my life coach's guidance on separating the personal from the professional, the nagging feeling of failure persists. The coach compares leadership in the modern workplace to parenting. A sea change from the old school of clock-watching and rigid rules towards a pattern of guidance.
"I will guide you by showing you how to do this."
Which is fine, as long as you actually do know how to do something.
But, if I get a chance, I'm gonna get that stupid cow that fucked up and burn down her fucking house!