Practical Magic

 
Some thoughts on our modern society for you all now. Given that everyone seems to accept the fact that we must have a price tag hanging off all the bits that make us up (as a society as well as individuals) then there are a couple of things we could do (I humbly suggest) to make the whole thing just a bit more bearable. The first thought I had was about jury service. The way this suddenly topical area of civic life works could be radically changed without any additional cost, and could even be cheaper - taking into account the total cost of administering the thing. I don't think the system of trial by jury is going away any time soon, so my big idea is: why not have all juries selected from the ranks of the unemployed? It is of course possible to be selected for jury service now if one is unemployed, so the idea would actually not be so radical, and the benefits are obvious:

1) No cost to employers for missing or covering employees.
2) A clear benefit to the self-esteem of unemployed people in being able to use their time more productively.
3) Unemployed people would receive travel and food expenses and a minimal amount for childcare as they currently do anyway. This would be a considerable improvement on their jobseekers allowance, and would be 'cost neutral' to HM Courts Service, which is as much a victim of austerity as any other part of government. It is important to consider the whole cost to UK plc, and weighed along with the savings to employers by not having to accommodate their staff on jury service, would demonstrate a tangible cost benefit when taken in the round.
4) Skills learned on jury service (rhetoric, persuasion and negotiating skills, a better understanding of legal matters as just a few examples) would be very useful in the job market.

What's not to like about this plan? I suppose one might say that the unemployed may be prejudiced against - say - business people in specific cases; though this is a rather weak criticism to say the least. There are a few details to consider, such as the selection process. I would suggest that selection methods are not changed, but that those in employment may be excused simply by sending a letter verifying that they are employed. This would be easier than effectively means testing everyone prior to selection, I think. Second, if an appointed juror receives a job offer whilst already sitting on a case, then the prospective employer will be required to keep the offer open until jury service is completed. If there are any strong reasons why this should not happen, then I would be glad to hear them.

Extending the idea further, could not the same thing (or similar) be done with the appointment of magistrates? The role is currently voluntary, with the only entry restrictions around age (18-65), 'good hearing' - whatever that means - and concentration skills; no major (or indeed collection of minor) criminal convictions; no driving ban in the last 5-10 years (which is it? Five or ten, there is quite a difference) or having been declared bankrupt. The duty requires a minimum of 13 days' (or 26 half days') court attendance per year. All of this need not exclude the unemployed, and for the reasons above, it seems to me that this would be a highly desirable course of action.

Of course none of this will ever happen, because unemployed people are viewed with intense suspicion and (oddly, given the widespread deprivation in this country) an increasing amount of animosity. Ah well.

The jury is still (just about) out on our title challenge after last night's close one. Without Kun, I thought we performed well enough, especially as the first half drew to a close. We should have had at least two more, but there were a couple of scares when we almost fluffed our lines. Barnsley next up in the FA Cup and then back to business with a visit to Goodison of all places, while the Rags lose to Reading after their world stopping final loss against the Madrillenos. Still there, but the pulse is ever fainter...

Bonhomie

The fact that this blog has finally lost its treasured Triple A rating is in no way a cause for a change of direction. All it means is that I am more determined than ever to continue with the current difficult course of action. Even though I have repeatedly stated clearly that the loss of this rating was the single most important measure of my success or failure, I now maintain that I have succeeded more successfully than if the AAA rating had remained. One could say (and that is just what I'm going to do) that the downgrade is actually an indication that I have exceeded expectations. Not many people can be as tough as I am in the face of so many difficulties, but I will not stray from the path, which is the right one, even though it leads straight off the edge of the biggest cliff you have ever seen.



Now that the biting political satire is out of the way, it's on to the bloke who hands out copies of City AM outside St. James's Park station every weekday. For those unfamiliar, this particular rag is yet another free sheet, with a focus on 'City matters' (and I don't mean Manchester City, either) rather than the celebrity obsessed drivel that graces the Metro and the infuriating and unreadable comment of the Evening Standard. The man at the station makes a point of saying good morning to every person who passes him as they enter or exit. His staccato tone is impossible to miss, as is his unremitting cheerfulness:

"Good morning sirhave a nice daythank you very much. Good morning sirhave a nice daythank you very much. Good morning madamhave a nice daythank you very much..." as he hands over his free fucking newspapers.

There are a couple of things which really wind me up about this. One is the constant barrage of jolly, forced customer service white noise which forms such a backdrop to the modern world. And he's only giving away a paper FFS! The other is the falseness of the greeting, ejaculated a million times a day. Perhaps curmudgeonly of me, but I find myself gnashing my teeth every time I walk past him.

Hopefully, gnashing of the teeth, along with wailing and rending of cloth, will not be a part of the experience when we travel up to Brum on Monday. A good win over Chelsea on Sunday in the end (though thank Christ Joe saved that pen) which should give us some confidence. A win there is vital to keep the rampant Spurs at bay just as it is vital to keep the tiny spark of the championship challenge alive. My prediction: 2-0 City. Sadly (for Stephen Fry as much as anyone else) I don't think the Rags will have much to do to beat Norwich, although they may be tempted to insult the East Anglians by holding back the cream of the crop for the Madrid tie. Still hanging in there, by the most gossamer of threads...

Out of my way!

On the back of the bus: "Can I make an appointment for this morning please?... I can't hear you... 9825831... It's for my son, Linford... Why are you asking me that?... No, why are you taking my details if no appointments are available?... There's no point in me giving you my date of birth and everything else if there are no appointments... No, he has to see someone... Thank you."

The woman who made this call is clearly angry all the time. She picked up the phone angry and confirmed her feelings by having the conversation with some hapless receptionist, almost certainly an elderly lady who spends her days dealing with anger and shock and whatever else from the thousands of people who call the particular surgery she works in.

I wondered about Angry Phone Woman as I got off the bus, watching her brow crease as she put the phone back into her handbag. Assumptions I know, but I felt that this was not just a bad day; rather, it was her modus operandi. Doubtless she was on her way to work, and I pondered on what sort of job she might do. I thought perhaps the civil service, or a law firm, either in administration, or - perhaps - ironically as a receptionist or shop manager. I can't be sure, but something about the way she dressed, the way she spoke, made me think that. Too smart for cleaning, not posh enough for senior management, not funky enough for marketing or sales. In any case what, I wondered, were the reasons for such a pugnacious attitude to life? A tough upbringing, with a strict mother and father? An abusive husband or partner, bullying her so that she has to pass the nasty on? A cruel boss, or an impossible job? A sick son? Whatever the reason, there's a hell of a lot of it about.

Maybe I will be Angry Phone Man today, after watching the hapless Villa at the Etihad, but somehow I doubt it. I've predicted 2-0 to City, and feel that we may get more than that. Famous last words, and my failure always to heed my own advice about not crowing may strike again, but my lead of 8 points at the top of our predictions mini league has filled me with a cocky bravado. Merlin is back at last; Carlos is surely due a goal, and Dzeko and Kun are both deadly.

Power

Well that'll teach me, eh? Depressing night against fucking Villa, and we got no more than we deserved out of it. The struggle goes on, and I will never again be tempted to tempt fate.

Reading the endless screeds of print about David Mitchell and (may god forgive me) Plebgate, I am intrigued by the concepts of leadership as revealed in the details of this latest pathetic little story. Mr Mitchell is, we are told, the enforcer for the government (or at least the Tories - as if there's any difference) and ensures that MPs toe the party line. This may include - wait for it - losing his temper with them.
This concept of leadership is all too familiar in the football world of course, its greatest contemporary exponent being old Bacon Face himself, with his tea cups and flying boots and legendary Pifco treatments for those who dare to cross him. Unless you actually think about it, it could be seen as quite surprising that such tactics are used in the environment of the Houses of Parliament or Portcullis House. Verbal and psychological abuse is only to be expected, but actual physical violence - or at least the threat of it - seems a little beyond the pail. Yet, dipping guiltily as always into the Daily Mail over the weekend, I read a précis of some of Jack Straw's memoirs. Our Jack was talking quite candidly about a formidable Labour Deputy Chief Whip named Walter Harrison, around the time that he started out, and I was quite surprised to hear that Jack actually had his bollocks squeezed by this chap while standing in a corridor at the Palace of Westminster. Squeezed that is until the pips squeaked and Jack backed down (no sign of Jill) and changed his mind on the subjet du jour.

Grabbing someone's nuts and giving them a good squeeze is hardly the apogee of the art of rhetoric, I know, but is I'm sure quite an effective means of persuasion. Does it happen now, and are the (admittedly quite small number of) women treated in the same way? Doubtful, I would guess, in terms of the latter question, though perhaps not the first, which might be one of the reasons for there being so few women in Parliament. If you can't crush their knackers, what can you do to keep 'em in line, eh?

Symmetry

Although, quite rightly, one could say that Arsenal and City are diametrically opposed, I felt a strange sense of symmetry yesterday. The draw was (just about) a fair result, and - sad to say - exactly the outcome I was expecting. Despite taking until the 82nd minute, I felt it was inevitable that they would equalise, just as I was sure that the Rags would (cheat and...) turn over Liverpool. The Gooners are continuing their always commendable rehabilitation and gradually gelling into a team which will be among the top 5 come May. I said this before the season started, and I have no reason to change my view now. With a relatively comfortable group in the Champions League, they will take morale boosts from their efforts there, and should make short work of the lesser teams in the Premier. Spurs hold no fear for them, and games against the Rags and Chelsea will make all the difference to the finishing line-up.

City are in some ways at the other end of the spectrum, having spent zillions (largely on Arsenal players, of course) though give the same impression of a team in transition. Some of the summer signings are looking questionable at the moment, I have to say, while a few of the regulars are really struggling to play as we know they can. However, I reckon there were more positives than negatives coming out of Sunday's clash: Dzeko looks a better player than before, and was unlucky not to score; Hart is in fine form; Yaya is just stunning, and looks leaner than last season, without losing any of his awesome power. Tevez aside (he's not short of commitment, but seems lacking a goal threat) the worries are (as ever) at the back for us, where we combine the casual and the kamikaze with alarming frequency. Still, it makes for some exciting football, and I have always said that this is what matters. If I were to choose an ideal starting XI, as the team stands now, for a top Premier League match, it would be as follows:

Hart

Zabaleta
Kompany
Clichy
Garcia
Barry

Milner
Silva
Yaya

Tevez
Agüero

Not wishing to jinx anything, and the Capital One Cup really is not any sort of priority, but I think that we'll pick up some goals and some confidence when we play Villa. Hard to believe, but they look worse than last season, and whichever team Bobby decides to field against them shouldn't find it too much of a challenge to overcome. My prediction: 3-0 or 4-1 City.

Let's not fall out

I write preparing to hold a meeting about someone's attendance at work. Without going into too much detail, the guy is trying to claim that he suffered an industrial injury because he was bitten by insects while in the office. He signed himself off sick for 5 days as a result of the bites after sending a lengthy email, complete with pictures of his bites and a pasted section from Wikipedia about mites. Needless to say, his TU rep has also become involved. His immediate line manager, two steps below me in the hierarchy, and incidentally a Union rep himself to boot, allowed the guy's claim of industrial injury to be entered on his return to work form. This of course caused some consternation higher up the tree (I was out of the office when all of this happened) and now I have been asked to sort it out. The guy is, shall we say, somewhat eccentric, so I really don't know what will happen at the meeting. I heard that he hopes we won't fall out over the issue. I've said before that I'm generally supportive of trades unions, but I've also said before that some people take the piss. I'll leave it to you to decide which side of the fence this particular issue sits on.

There is a parallel between the attendance issues here and the record of one Carlos Tevez, who has made a remarkable return to the City first team in the last couple of weeks. In the absence of Balotelli, Carlos will of course always attract headlines, and you have to say that a hat-trick's a hat-trick. However, yet again, the mighty Kun put on a display at Carrow Road of which any football fan would be proud - limited opposition notwithstanding. He is a truly talented and exciting player, and will be getting my vote for Etihad Player of the Year. Chris Foy, if it needs to be said again, is an absolute word now likely to lead to prosecution on Twitter.

Bobby is getting it right with his avowal that it is impossible for us to win it, expecially with Ashley Young performing Swan Lake at every opportunity, and opposition as limp and listless as the Villans up agin the fucking Rags. Just a shame that pissing Rio Ferdinand looks unlikely to have his words rammed down his smug throat come season's end. Ah well.

Flat back four

Another 'Dr' Fox

Since my mini revamp at the beginning of the year, many readers will not be readily aware of the total number of posts so far published, while others will hate the fact that I mention it. Well, tough. I have an obsession with numbers and there isn't much I can do about it. I like to see myself in the mould of great OCD sufferers like Dr Johnson - thrumming my stick against each railing - for example. When watching a match on the telly, I have to be staring intently at the screen as the clock ticks round from 11:10 to 11:11, 22:22, 33:33, etc. but must not be looking when it ticks over to 11:12, 22:23, etc. The symmetry of 22:55 also entrances me, being a far more satisfying picture than Rush's 2112. Ahem.

This is post number 442 in the four year history of this ongoing ramble, so it seems appropriate that it should be football and numerology related. Why do I feel a creeping sense of unease? Is it the approach of the football linked apocalypse that is 11/11/11? After all, 4-4-2 only tells part of the story, doesn't it? Let's not forget Joe Hart, who makes the total up to... yes, 11! Spooky, or what?

Or could it be the imminent appeals from Tevez against his likely humungous fine (if we're talking numbers, then six weeks of his wages would be a tidy set for anyone to have as their phone number, don't  you think?) which look set to rumble on and on till the new year? Surely there can be few things (with the possible exception of the ongoing farce that is Dr Fox) more stomach churning than Kia Joorabchian's pathetic squirmings in defence of the Argentine? I also think that Dzeko has escaped fairly lightly as a result of being overshadowed by Carlos. He hardly covered himself in glory with his silly spat at the Allianz Arena, did he? He was playing shit anyway and deserved to be hooked - even if he did bag one against the French the other night. Not quite Silva standard, but not bad.

All of this leaves us with the conundrum of the starting XI for the match at the weekend. Anyway, with City players knocking them in all over Europe for fun, here's my punt:

25. Hart 2. Richards 22. Clichy 4. Kompany 34. De Jong 18. Barry 21. Silva 42. Yaya 10. Dzeko

11. Johnson 7. Milner

Amazingly, I think we are still struggling to find the right defensive balance. Barry is steady enough for a match like the Villa one, but is still too slow and prone to being turned. Nasri is OK (occasionally exceptionally good) going forward, but is hardly likely to track back. I think Clichy is our best bet at left back, but I haven't seen a great deal of Savic yet. In any case, I think we're got enough to beat the Villans at home, and I predict either 3-0 or 3-1. These are the right numbers.

Here we go

Yesterday to Broomfield Park for a birthday picnic with some very good friends. Naturally, I wore my City shirt and played a bit of cricket - thankful that my friends were sporting enough to rescind my run-out decision because the ball clearly didn't touch the tree before I rounded the plastic tennis ball container.

Prior to that, I was caught up (having forgotten it was on) in the madness of traffic as a result of the Emirates Cup, stuck on a 259 on the Seven Sisters Road for what seemed an eternity, not helped by the fact that the driver seemed to be doing everything humanly possible to slow the journey down. At one point he even deployed the wheelchair ramp when there was:

a) no-one in a wheelchair waiting to get on, and
b) no-one at all waiting to get on!

He was Mr Nice, stopping once he had set off to let on any old stragglers. Add to this the interminable crawl along the road and through the Finsbury Park bottleneck in temperatures up in the high twenties and you have a recipe for frustration, let me tell you.

But the point of it all is this: the football season is just around the corner (unless you're a Jocko, in which case, it's already history) and today's Graun carried the first of their Premier League reviews - all about Arsenal, who are predicted to finish 5th. Next weekend sees the Community Shield, with another chance to watch us take on the Rags, and today's post brings me to my predictions for the season ahead. My City shirt draws some attention in the Highbury/Holloway area, but not too much, yet the chap in the Turkish supermarket (clearly obsessed with the beautiful game) seemed very pleased to see me there - Gooner/Galatasary though he is. His eyes lit up, and he spoke of our seven strikers, admitting that Kun is a tidy prospect, showing some love for Dzeko, and adding that Tevez still held the key to our success. Mostly sentiments with which I agree.

So, my two cents if you will.

Un-controversially, I would say that Chelsea are going to be good this season. The Rags will be there or thereabouts. Yawn. Spurs will not have as good a season as last year, Arsenal (despite the lack of transfer activity in the inward direction so far) will have a better one. Liverpool won't do a lot. Everton will be the usual conundrum, though not likely to finish much above 7th. Villa will be lower-middle, Blackburn and Bolton slightly flattered by the new boys. Here goes with the table then:

1.   Chelsea
2.   City
3.   Rags
4.   Arsenal
5.   Spurs
6.   Everton
7.   Liverpool
8.   Bolton
9.   Stoke
10. Fulham
11. Blackburn
12. QPR
13. Villa
14. Newcastle
15. Sunderland
16. West Brom
17. Norwich
18. Wigan
19. Wolves
20. Swansea

Of course, I may be wrong. Here are my predictions for last season (with the actual finishing position in brackets).

1.   Chelsea (2)
2.   Rags (1)
3.   Arsenal (4)
4.   City (3)
5.   Liverpool (6)
6.   Spurs (5)
7.   Villa (9)
8.   Everton (7)
9.   Bolton (14)
10. Blackburn (15)
11. Fulham (8)
12. Brum (18 - ha!)
13. Stoke (13)
14. Wolves (17)
15. West Ham (20. Oh dear)
16. Wigan (16)
17. Sunderland (10)
18. West Brom (11)
19. Newcastle (12)
20. Blackpool (19)

You can see from that that I was in a few instances only one place out, but it still means that I correctly guessed only the finishing positions of Stoke and Wigan, which is not an impressive strike rate by anyone's lights. Better luck next time, eh?